Is it time to audit your friendships?
Is it time to audit your friendships?
How do you feel about your friends? When you think about them individually do you smile? Get a warm glow? Or is there a sinking feeling… is there someone where you put off the phonecall? Find last minute excuses to cancel the meeting? Find that you’re needing to remind yourself why they are your friend?
This doesn’t make you a bad person – this is normal!!
“You don't have to live happily ever after with every single person in your life in order to live happily ever after. Some unfortunate endings are necessary.”
― Joyce Rachelle
So what would make an ‘unfortunate ending necessary’? Lives change, you grow up/get older, circumstances change … and you may no longer have anything in common. Sometimes you may realise that the person that you call a friend is actually part of your problem – it could be like this:
“She's a jellyfisher: You have a conversation with her that seems all nice and friendly, then you suddenly feel like you've been stung and you don't know where it came from.”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Or it could be that they undermine you – sabotage your diet or your no alcohol in the week rule, encourage you to do stupid things, be unkind – all in the name of fun of course…
The trouble is that most of us spend a lot of energy trying to be good people and we know that ‘good people’ are kind, polite, aren’t over-sensitive and don’t show off or think that they’re better than others in any way, shape or form. (Actually – that’s all very British isn’t it? – put up or shut up, stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on etc etc) But what if all this being ‘good’ is harming your own mental health? What if finding the time to meet up with someone who you used to have masses in common with 20 years ago, who now lives a very different life to you, actually causes great levels of stress to you? There’s the time, the arrangements at home, the cost of the meal/drinks, the worry about what you’ll talk about, how they’ll judge your choices/life.
The good news is that it is OK to decide that a friendship has run its course. And there are ways to gently extricate yourself without unduly hurting others and without hating yourself. 3 simple steps:
1. Ask yourself if your truly enjoy this particular friend’s company. Do you value their part in your life?
If the answer is a resounding ‘yes’ – then carry on!
If the answer is ‘…ummm…sometimes..’ – take some time to reflect on the balance of the relationship – do you benefit equally? Are there particular things that work well – perhaps this is your theatre friend? Your going for walks friend? Your having a chat on the phone friend? Friends don’t have to meet your every need.
If it’s a definite ‘No!’ – read on!
2. If the friendship is toxic – if this person belittles you, or makes arrangements and cancels at the last minute repeatedly, if they are generally unpleasant then just cut them out of your life . If you’re brave, then you could tell them why, or write a note – but there’s no need to do that. If they are vile, they don’t deserve your time or consideration. Cut them off!
3. If they’re just a bit annoying, you’ve got less in common than previously, you don’t know what to talk to them abaout…then really look at what the issues are and start to reduce the number of interactions. Be fair and be honest – if you have other stuff you need to be doing, then say so. Resist the urge to read the messages on whatsapp every time one pops up. Be less available – but – don’t just ghost this person. That’s mean and unnecessary.
When you’ve reduced the interactions to where you want them to be, DO NOT pick this person up again when you’re bored/lonely/don’t want to go somewhere on your own, only to drop them again – that would make you the bad person!
Often, what stops us being choosier about who we spend time with is our own levels of self confidence and feelings of self worth. As part of your reflection make sure that you consider if it’s time for you to invest in yourself. A therapist or hypnotherapist can support you in improving your self image and self talk.